Raising Securely Attached Kids: Using Connection-Focused Parenting to Create Confidence, Empathy, and Resilience (Attachment Nerd)

Raising Securely Attached Kids is, hands down, the best parenting book I’ve ever read.Harwood powerfully articulates how, in terms of parenting styles, both sides of the pervasive cultural binary - *authoritarian* (dominating, controlling) vs. *permissive* (placating, indulgent) - are destructive to growing minds and bodies. A simple scan of social media illustrates how deep the feelings run on these topics. She organizes these and other modes (like the *neglectful*) into illuminating contrasts under topics like structure, nurture, coping patterns, self-esteem, and outcomes.Teasing apart still-operational assumptions, she focuses on research-supported methods of connection and relationship from the perspective of attachment styles. She outlines how secure attachment fosters resilience, growth, empathy, and the kind of self-understanding that enables kids to make authentic changes to their behaviors as they grow.One thing that really stood out to me was the priority order of suggested action sequences. I had that magic reading experience of “click – ah, of course!” Calm bodies (co-regulating and connecting) are needed before conversation. Active listening is needed before responding. Investigating and learning together are needed before attempting to repair. Deep breaths might be needed before anything else.I’m a fast reader, usually, but I found that it was more rewarding for me to read a couple of chapters at a time, and to let them bounce around for a few days before continuing. Concrete examples and creative vocabulary personalize the content, making the book accessible, relatable, and sometimes even playful. I kept lingering on things like co-regulation and cooperation and different kinds of structure.Personally, I would have loved even more of the sidebar “Nerd Alerts” (this despite the fact that when I looked up the “Still Face” Experiment, it triggered nightmares). So I felt especially nerd-rewarded by the brilliant handling of the endnotes of the book. Organized by chapter and page, the specific phrase or sentence is quoted and set in bold, with the source listed. Reinforcement - and review - and source, all at once. Beautiful! I hope this method catches on. In addition, if you want to find a specific bit of text again, there’s an easily-scannable index of keywords.The enormous amount of reading I did before and during parenting only really gifted me the mantra of “pay close attention to the child to learn what they need” and the understanding that while no-one can be “perfect” at parenting, being “good enough” is a realistic goal. The focus on reliable connection and attunement with my son might have grown even sturdier (especially in those teen years) with more of Harwood’s tips, scripts, and caring insights in the toolbox, but it’s never really too late to keep evolving together in relationship!

This book! I have a collection of parenting books that speak to different facets of parenting: toddlerhood, neuroscience, teens, re-parenting ourselves, trauma, etc.This book is the book that holds ALL of what I’ve sought to learn, plus more, in such a skillful, science-backed, funny, encouraging, actionable, and wholehearted way.While I was reading, I was continuously amazing at how Eli managed to hew down the text to make it very readable but still complete—without losing any clarity or potency. This book will be a gift to any new parents I know. She tells the truth, and she holds our hand. Eli’s care is imbued into every page, and you can really feel her energy in wanting to transmit all she’s learned to us in a digestible way that will be like medicine in our hands.Her longtime experience as a therapist, personal experience as a mother, as well as her passion for staying up-to-date and grounded in science makes this book the most credible and well-rounded in my collection. Eli is a true teacher. And, I found her approaches to be rooted in capital T-tenderness (which is not to be confused with permissiveness), and Tenderness is a North Star for me—so this book makes my heart sing with recognition and gratitude.Pro tip: follow her on social media to "catch" the language and tone we can better adopt to connect with our kids deeply. I don't know Eli personally, but I feel like do.I will be returning to this book for years. It is already riddled with notes and dog ears (would you prefer cat ears, Eli?). Thank you for offering us this map, Eli Harwood. With tenderness, Keely & family!

I'm only a few chapters in and already reflecting quite a bit on my parenting approach. Eli does an amazing job of gently laying out the healthiest ways to connect with our kids and it's like a warm invitation to join along.I tend to focus so much on "good behavior" with my 7-year-old, and I'm being challenged to consider what it would look like to focus less on control and more on connection.The ideas for how to say certain things that might not come naturally to us are super helpful, and the way she explains science/research/psychology-related things is so nice and digestible!I love how this book feels like I'm sitting at a coffee shop hearing funny stories about beards (that was a laugh-out-loud crack-up for me!) and other real-life stuff that happens when you're raising little ones.

This is the BEST book I have ever read about attachment theory and styles because it is literal application in real time, while learning about your own story and having actual language to help yourself. Eli Harwood, LPC has the most remarkable, relatable, approachable style in her writing, her audio book, her IG reels. As a therapist myself, Eli's work is almost a required homework for all my clients. No matter what their age and stage of life and kids ages. This book applies to everyone at anytime. It's a gift of learning, applying, being curious, having literal scripts for yourself or your loved ones. Eli's work allows for felt freedom from being stuck, multiple opportunities and options to grow and learn and literally transform. This is a phenomenal clinical and literary piece of art for all of us. Thank you Eli!

Amazing book! So insightful. The authors humor comes through in her writing. I laughed out loud at her, all too familiar descriptions of situations that parents find themselves in. Enjoyable and so practical. I recommended it to all my friends!!